Feeling Angry with Someone you Love? Here's How to Transform Anger

Feeling so angry, I could raaawr

If you’re reading this, I imagine that you might be seeking some relief from anger. I hear you! Anger is an emotion that plays a big role in my life. I’ve been doing a lot of inner work to move through this anger and try to understand it better so that I don’t have to carry it with me. Read on to find out how.

Anger can feel so palpable, uncomfortable and destructive. If you’ve ever felt like your heart is pumping so fast, you want to implode, to punch, to slam, you’re not alone. While there is so much to unpack about Anger, we’re here to focus on how to move through it. But first, please acknowledge that feeling angry is a very human experience, and allows us to get in touch with our humility. I see you, beautiful being. 

During eras of rage, I seek the wisdom and advice of one of my favourite teachers, the venerable Buddhist Monk, Thich Nhat Hanh. He has shared an incredible resource on transforming anger, especially when these emotions are stirred up as a result of an interaction with someone else. 

The structure is : 

Darling (or you can also insert the person/name),

I suffer. I’m angry. And I want you to know it. I don’t know why you have such said things to me.

Darling,

I am doing my best. I’m practising mindfulness to take care of my anger and I’ll be looking deeply into my anger to see the root.

Please help me. I need your help. 

Thich Nhat Hanh says that it’s important to share your feelings with this person within 24 hours. You can either communicate this through writing a letter or verbally if and when you’re feeling calm and ready. The key is to stay as cool-minded as possible while expressing your needs and try your best to allow the fire from wreaking more havoc. My main AHA moment from this letter template is the unexpected twist of saying “please help me”, to the person you’re feeling angry with. It flips the switch on the approach and drops everyone’s guards instead of going into a conversation with guns blazing. 

I tried this technique with my mom, and it worked. I wrote this letter to her, placed it by her bedside, and she came to me to have a chat. Instead of building more walls with each other, we were able to talk through the situation, and the first thing she said to me was “How Can I Help?” It wasn’t an easy conversation, but one that has built deeper trust and intimacy. I can’t be more thankful to Thich Nhat Hanh. 

Many of us, especially women of colour/ East Asian women, have difficulty expressing ourselves and our emotions. It can feel difficult to know how to transform anger and to speak up for ourselves when we grew up in an environment where it’s normal to sweep emotions under the rug, and “save face” early on in childhood. 

If you need further help, please seek a trained professional help such as a counsellor or therapist to help you move through deeply embedded emotions. 

Please let me know if this template helped you by reaching out on instagram, I would love to hear from you. 

Sending you lots of love!