It’s Aries Season! Also my birthday season…

I’ve always felt such immense birthday anxiety. Like clockwork, when spring comes around, (shoutout to fellow Aries!) I always felt immediate swirl of excitement and anxiety. There were two main layers to my birthday anxiety: 1. Intense reflection of my own life and accomplishments 2. Looking at the circles around me and evaluating how my relationships are. Birthdays were always a time when my whole life flashes before my eyes, and I ruminate about the things that I have or haven’t done.

The first layer consisted of dreading growing older because I felt like I hadn’t accomplished enough. I felt like there were these goals that I’d set that I hadn’t reached yet and that made me feel so disappointed. It made me feel unsuccessful. The second layer was because I evaluated my relationships on whether or not someone has reached out to say “happy birthday or not”.

How I learned to overcome these fears was by opening myself up more to my spiritual and personal development journey, I know the following to be true: my worth is not based on my productivity, and how I define success now is completely different from before. I used to define success through a linear timeline, but I didn’t like who I was. Before stepping into wellness, the industry I worked before was to feed my ego. However, my soul was perpetually hungry. On the flip side now, yes there are still goals to be reached and systems to be implemented, but I feel successful. Why? Because I have clarity in who I am, I know my purpose and have confidence in my potential. How did I get here? Through receiving coaching, committing to shifting my mindset, and seriously investing in myself. I stopped only chasing material things, because whatever I sought always left me unfulfilled. I implemented boundaries that honour myself, and I let go of what doesn’t serve me. I still have my ups and downs from time to time, but I always found a gold lining and built resilience. For every breakup and opportunity that “didn’t work out”, I look for the lessons instead of dwelling in misery. I write “didn't work out” in quotations because every missed circumstance creates an alternative opportunity. I continually work to let go of what doesn’t serve me anymore, and know that this is my true process of healing. I practice mindfulness and meditation so that I ground myself in awareness every morning when I wake up, and invite presence in my life so I live with integrity and love.

This year, I loved celebrating my birthday because it was the one day that I felt like I could unapologetically celebrate myself, be me, and get the attention and recognition I always dreamed of.

(Yes, I had parents who weren’t present always and attended a high school that never valued students for anything other than their grades! Yet that’s a story for a later day)

I realised I was robbing myself of enjoying my life. I reflect on my life more consistently instead of having life hit me all at once before my birthday. The more I breathed in and embodied the fact that I can open myself up to a growth mindset, the more I’m able to live my own life fully instead of being held back by old identities and conditioning. I am birthing new creations and dreaming of a new world into being. And this comes more effortlessly with every year I get to spend on this earth.

Here’s my manifesto for getting rid of birthday anxiety and finally embracing who you are, where you are:

Stop dimming your light

I always felt like I had to dim my light so that I don’t offend others. But I realised I was denying myself from living fully, and from expressing who I am. From this moment on, stop dimming your light. Stop downplaying all your incredible experiences and accomplishments of self-realisation. There’s a difference between being humble and shining your light. There’s so much stigma in society about boasting, and while being humble is an important value and virtue, I often find that as women we don’t allow ourselves to envision our wildest dreams or to shine because there are many systemic and institutional structures that make us believe that we need to be compliant or obedient. This can especially be true for Asian women. There are so many stereotypes cast upon us, and when we don’t fit that mould, society freaks out. It’s not our role to fit others’ expectations of us. Their ideas might be small, but we don’t have to dim our light to fit that. You are born to shine my love! When you shine, you are energetically embracing your magic and creating a sea change of fearlessness and love. As you grow older, expansion is part of your journey.

Embrace where you are, and be open to what is to come

In mindfulness, there is often talk of the monkey mind. This mind wanders and also lingers in a place of negativity. Oftentimes, our thoughts are just thoughts. They are not the truth. When we become overcrowded with these thoughts, they consume us instead of bringing us closer to where we want to be. You’re only human, it’s ok. What’s important is having the awareness that the mind has a tendency to latch onto the negatives. You know, like when you receive your grades back, and that A- bugs you because of one little mistake you made, even when the teacher compliments you on all the other things that went well and all the progress you made. Instead of lamenting the one little thing that didn’t go smoothly, I invite you to celebrate! Make this celebration of yourself a ritual so that you don’t wait for others to do it. You don’t place your power in someone else’s hands. Celebrate yourself often, for every big and small win. In your daily planner, carve out space to write at least 1 thing you celebrate yourself for that day.

You deserve to want better

Know what serves you and what doesn’t. As we grow up, we often are told how we should act or be. The beliefs that we grow up with are often a result of what shaped our reality. They might be beliefs we inherit from our caretakers or injustices we experience from the world around us. Yet now that you are an adult, you have a responsibility of examining if these beliefs still hold true or not. While those who came before us might project a vision onto you, you don’t have to carry their vision. You can create and move forward on your own. While it’s important to practice gratitude and show appreciation for what you have and where you came from, you also deserve to want better. When my therapist said this to me, something shifted inside me. Especially with my Cantonese mother always sharing this narrative of, “Do you know how lucky you have it? When I was young I had to....” While having the context of her upbringing is helpful, it doesn’t mirror my reality. As you grow older, know that this life is yours. While we might’ve cultivated certain beliefs from our upbringing by our culture, family and social environments, they are not the authors of your story and your life.

Alchemise Anxiety into Excitement

If you are experiencing chronic and or severe anxiety, please reach out to a skilled and trained mental health professional. If you notice the anxiety in your body and can identify that it arises when your birthday is coming, know that your body is physiologically experiencing the effects of excitement. Instead of dwelling in the anxiety, alchemise that energy into excitement. We can approach this with a glass half-full or empty lens. Both can be true, the glass, while filled with water, can be seen as half with resources and half without. We can acknowledge that there is anxiety present, but at the same time, there is also excitement that is ready and willing to spring up. Remember that the anxiety isn’t you. If possible, stay grounded in the present moment and recognise this as the energy that is passing through you. In Chinese culture, longevity is one of the most virtuous aspects of life. As I’ve been watching Season 15 of RuPaul’s Drag Race, the incredible Trans Drag Queen Sasha Colby is often made fun of for being the oldest in the group, however, I love the way she reframes it because she knows that growing old is a privilege. There are many Trans People who have to fight for their right to live and many don’t make it past the age of 30. An inspirational Chinese quote is as follows: “不怕慢, 就怕站”, which translates to “Don’t be afraid of slow growth, only fear standing still.” Growth is ultimately better than standing still.

Friends who are meant to be there will be, even if they don’t wish you a “happy birthday”

I felt so sad when the people I thought were closest to me didn’t say ‘happy birthday’. This was a time when many people were active on Facebook, and there would be a little column on the right side reminding you of all of your online friends’ birthdays this month. Yet now, it’s truly hard to keep track when not many people are active on Facebook, and many are trying to be more conscious of how they spend their time online. I don’t hold this against my friends anymore because there are people who I care about too who I’m not always on top of their birthdays. When I was stuck in a fixed mindset space, I thought in absolutes, “If they didn’t wish me a happy birthday, they probably don’t care about me!” However, as I shift into a growth mindset, I know this to be false. Yes, there is a part of me that feels disappointed, but I don’t take it personally now.

This was a good lesson for understanding more about attachment styles.

I have incredible friends who aren’t always on top of birthday greetings but will host me, pick me up and drop me off at the airport. They respond when I reach out, and make time and an effort to come to see me when I travel to where they live. They honour my boundaries and respect who I am as a person. These are the people I call true friends, and am so thankful for them. Friendships come in different shapes and sizes, and there’s not one absolute way to be a good friend or have a good friendship.

I always go back to this powerful quote by Toltec Shaman Don Miguel Ruiz, where he says, “Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering”

If you’re reading this in the days leading up to your birthday, or it just passed recently, I’m wishing you the most incredible birthday season! I’m celebrating you and who you are, not who you have to be. I celebrate you in this very moment.