Why Not Taking Things Personally Will Set you Free
THE SECOND AGREEMENT: DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally. Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.
- Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements
I realised all my life how personally I take things, and it has placed my mind in shackles.
When someone brushes me with their elbow on the street, I think: “Why did they elbow me!?”
When someone says something rude to me, I think: “What did I do? How could they say that to me?”
This kind of thinking has trapped me, and it wasn’t until I really delved into Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements that I was really able to set my mind, body and soul free from these chains.
In The Four Agreements, Ruiz explains that “We are all living our own dream (which is called a mitote in the Ruiz’s Toltec culture), and behave in the world as the main characters of each of our movies. Because of this, we cannot take anything personally because nothing others say or do is about us.
"Don't take anything personally" is one of The Four Agreements, which is a set of principles for living life with true and deep personal freedom.
When you’re able to not take anything personally it allows you to recognize that other people's actions and words are a reflection of their own beliefs, experiences, and emotions, not a reflection of you. He mentions even at the extreme of someone pointing a gun to your head, it’s still not about you. It can be very easy to take on hurtful words that others say, but at the end of the day it’s a true reflection of that person’s conditioning, beliefs, and how they move through life.
Ruiz also highlights the power of not making assumptions about the intentions behind other people's actions. Because we can only control we respond. By not taking things personally, this allows us to avoid unnecessary suffering, conflicts and misunderstandings.
Here are 3 Ways that Not Taking Things Personally Can Set You Free:
Building Emotional Well-being and Living Your Life Authentically:
When you don't take things personally, you’re about to release attachments from others’ opinions, judgments, and actions. In the book, Ruiz says, “If someone calls you stupid, they’re actually calling themselves stupid.” Because whatever was said to you is a projection of yourself. When you’re able to release attachments, you realise what they say is a reflection of them and become less affected by negative comments or criticism. If certain hurtful words someone said linger in your mind, remember this golden phrase: “Return to Sender!”
Improved Relationships: When we take things personally, this often leads to unnecessary conflicts or strained relationships:
I used to have a fraught relationship with my mom because I took everything she said personally. But when I was able to take a step back and realise everything she said is a projection of her fears, I’m able to realise it was not about me. For example, every time she’d discourage me from driving is because she herself isn’t the most confident driver. She projected her fears onto me, and I’m able to recognise that her intentions of protection were at the basis of this projection. By not taking things personally, it becomes easier to see situations from different perspectives, respond with empathy, and communicate more effectively. This ultimately leads to stronger relationships, and having the courage to be honest with each other instead of suppressing.
Increased Self-Confidence, Self-Compassion and Self-Love:
Not internalizing negative comments or criticisms helps you build stronger self-esteem. By realizing that others' opinions are not a reflection of you or your worth, you can nurture your self-esteem and self-confidence more deeply. It becomes easier to not rely on external validation, and cultivate more focus on your own growth and personal development. You’re also released from the cycles of ruminating over past interactions, replaying them in your mind and analyzing every detail. If and when others walk away from you, see it as a blessing because they’re sparing you from sending more emotional poison your way.
Remember: Your self-worth isn’t based on the opinions of others or external circumstances, but instead when you’re able to recognise that everyone acts in accordance with their personal dream and way of seeing the world, it creates spaciousness and grace to move forward and show up more fully as yourself instead of allowing others’ opinions to cloud your passions, ambitious, kindness, and love.